“You can’t do this.”

“I know my Identity; my name is Victory.” -Jonathan Nelson

“Where does the end of me become the start of you?” -Tears For Fears

Anything is a big ask. But I was coming to believe God, was a big God. Family and friends came to move Lily and I back to Vancouver, Washington from Newport. An apartment over the garage, kind of like my shelter in the storm but bigger and without a skylight. It was rent free for as long as Lily and I needed it and I got my old job back, that I had before having Lily. Those were hard months. I wouldn’t let Sean see Lily until he could produce a clean UA and I kept my focus on him. Slowly and painful I started to understand my focus needed to be on me. I was a mess. Just as big of a mess as Sean, it just manifested itself differently. I was a nag, judgmental and critical, fearful, hard to please and I expected Sean to read my mind. Honestly, I was so lost, I didn’t need drugs and alcohol to make me insane. I was there all by myself.

Having Lily only half the time and not being Sean’s wife, forced me to address my identity. Who was I if I wasn’t Sean’s wife or caring for beautiful Lily? That was so painful. I wanted to turn my head, cover my eyes, but I had to look straight ahead at the awful. God needed to deal with me about so many things. What better way to do it then to clear away everything and let me be by myself a few days a week. Go to work. Go to a meeting. Make dinner for just me and then fall asleep reading scripture.

The hard months turned to good months. By December, I was in a divorce recovery class and attending Al-anon and therapy. I had an amazing mentor. I had amazing friends. I was doing solid recovery work, experiencing new awareness; childhood stuff, adult stuff, some super rotten stuff. As my focus shifted off of Sean and Lily, I began to see my defects and address them. Sean had bought me a gym membership for Christmas. Best gift ever. So good for me. I felt strong and I felt confident, and I was thinking in ways I had never thought before. Things like, I was bought at a price, I must therefore, be valuable. If I am valuable, why do I not feel valuable? What was this life He died for me to have and how am I taking Him up on it? Thinking about things I never had. Things like humility and pride, awareness of motives, the anxiety that would hit over recognizing I needed to set a boundary.

I did have terrible moments battling spiritual warfare. Once, on a night that Sean had Lily and I was thinking some new thoughts, I audibly heard the enemy whisper in my ear, ‘you can’t do this.’ I could feel the temperature literally drop and I ran out of the room with my heart in my nose. Anything is a big ask when the enemy is controlling the air in a room. This is real. The battle isn’t flesh and blood. I had been very intimidated, but it wasn’t going to work for very long. I could do this, and I am still doing this. I am a work in progress. I may get waylaid or detained but I am not giving up as long as I breathe. I can do all things.

All things because whatever He asks me to do, He will equip me to do.

Slowly I let go. Sean was clean and sober but dating. I told God if that is what Sean needed to see that I was created for him and our marriage and family were worth saving, “Then Lord, let him date! Bring on the ladies if that is what he needs.” My inside out heart and head, were becoming whole. But only because of God, not because of what Sean was or wasn’t doing. Sean was no longer my God. And Christ was on the thrown of my heart.

I would go to church in the beginning and wish I was with someone when I would see the couples sitting together. I felt sad. I felt jealous. But the more recovery work I did and the more I allowed God to bring me mentors and friendships the less I felt sad or jealous. By the time I was done with the wall around my heart to protect Sean, by the time Sean had kicked over the last stone; I had gotten baptized and was entertaining the idea of dating. I was open to whatever God wanted for me. I only wanted His will; what was best for Lily and what was best for me. I was open to it being Sean or maybe not being Sean. “Even if he’s a pastor, Lord. Lily needs a dad and I desire a husband.” And there was Sean, ready and willing to take me on. And I was ready and willing to take him on. And Jesus made it so. We had been separated for about a year. We now call it the best year of our marriage. That year, Jesus saved us. Just like God promises, if we let Him and we are willing to partner with Him, He will make all things new.