“It Keeps You Runnin” -The Doobie Brothers
I should reference, now, that Sean had been running to and from ministry for about 5 years, and I was running right along with him. That was what, the whole, ‘Florida thing,’ was about. When things get hard, Sean wants to run to Florida, his home state. And for my part, I enable. I think I felt guilty and so I wanted to give Sean something. So, I latched onto Florida, too.
In 2015, we had taken our first ministry job with a church, our birth church, actually. Our pastor, called it our “natal church.” It was the church God gave us after recovery started. (Sean’s recovery from drugs and alcohol and my recovery from codependency, a process that is ongoing.) But we weren’t supposed to have taken the job. A friend later described it as a, “false start.” We got in front of Jesus instead of being led by Him. Sean was getting a degree in Pastoral Leadership with a focus on counseling, taking this position was logical. It was our home church, after all. But just because it’s logical, doesn’t mean it’s Jesus.
When Sean went back to school for his degree, our church had specified that we would come back and work there, and that was our intent when we left. Sean had a year before graduation and with this offer, it would require that he do an adult completion program and extend out graduation for another year. Not at all what he wanted to do. We also would be going back into a legal denomination that God had already released us from. Sean had reservations about taking it. He said, “I feel like I need to take my name out of the hat.” From time in prayer, I knew that ‘the job was the senior pastor,’ meaning that Sean and I were to minister to the pastor and his wife, not necessarily take the church position. But I got scared about finances and decided we could do both jobs. Minister to the pastor and his wife and take the ministry position within the church. Why shouldn’t we take it? That was the plan in the beginning, right?! So, we pushed into it.
We shouldn’t have. We did neither job well, we damaged our marriage, we hurt congregants and we regressed in our walk with Jesus. Lily talked about how it felt like there was a “big stone heart” in our house. Some friends came to visit us during this time, and I told my friend, “I just feel like I can’t rest, and I can’t hear God.” She said, “When I can’t rest it means I’m not trusting Him and there is no way to hear when I can’t rest.” Yip. That was exactly what was going on. I hadn’t trusted God since I decided Sean should take the job at the church and convinced Sean to do it. What had I done?! God’s voice was like a bumblebee hovering over wildflowers, like soft whispering, but there was a freight train raging between us. I couldn’t hear a thing but the roar of my own fear.
God had delivered us from a lot of legalism, and I thought we were supposed to go back into this specific church and help deliver it, at least on some level. But that wasn’t what He was asking. He wanted Sean and I to see the damage legalism does and be completely delivered. He didn’t want us to combat any of it. Just observe. And let the lead pastor be our ‘job.’ Just, love and abide with him. But I thought I knew better. And I ended up going headlong into a battle God had already won for me. God wanted this experience to solidify our departure from ‘denomination domination’. But just like in C.S. Lewis’ book, ‘The Silver Chair,’ I “missed the first sign.” And then all the signs after. And then we ran for all the wrong reasons, in all the wrong directions. This was a massive lapse in judgement; where fear became God and God got backed into a corner in my imagination.
So, we had run hither and yon’ to find our place in ministry and in ourselves and with each other and for Lily and with the Lord; and it was futile. It would stay futile until we could stop running. Thank God, He let us be fired. Thank God, He created a space for us to just stop. And now He was presenting Alaska, The Last Frontier. Hmm. Okay. What is this going to look like? When are we supposed to go? Certainly not in winter, that would be stupid!! The Alaska Canadian Highway in January? That would be as foolish as it was dangerous. And also, what about our dog, Ellie?
It goes like this... 