“Do it afraid.”

February 12, 2020

“Consider the blog, Melissa. Write!” And I have wanted to write… for YEARS! However, I am afraid of what people will think when they read my thoughts and/or struggles. What I really feel about a thing and what I really think about a thing being open to possible ridicule, is frightening. Or worse yet, no one will care, total indifference. Far easier to just wish for it without risking anything. Is my experience really worth anything to anyone, anyway? Does is matter? Well, it does to me because I have a burning desire to do it. So, as my friend, Susan, suggests, “Do it afraid!”

We love Jesus and we move a lot. 18 moves in 22 years of marriage and never once have we owned a house. Hmm. Sounds like we’re running from the law. Running from Something or Running to Something, I know we have been doing both.

We have just arrived in the state of Alaska, a place I never, in a million years, thought we would go. I never had the desire to come up here or any reason to. In College, we had friends from Alaska who said we would love it and we should come visit. We laughed at them. Florida is where we go. Gulf of Mexico, swimming with the dolphins, white sand, warm sunshine, and tropical storms; Just Beautiful. Sean and I had run deep grooves in the continental U.S. from Oregon to Florida and back again. When things get hard, or sad, or confusing, or overwhelming, we run to Florida. That has always been our reaction. This time God kicked us out of Florida, rather harshly, violently in fact, and with a loud bang that caused us to whimper, for months. The running to Florida for cover, for shelter, to medicate and hide is no longer an option. Florida won’t fix our trauma and hurt. Florida has been unmasked. It’s just a place, a beautiful place, but just a place, not a solution to the riot inside us. Only God can satiate the riot. Sadly, food and money won’t do it either. We tried those too. And drugs and working out and religion and… you name it. One or both of us have probably tried it, like, a couple times, just to make sure.

It’s weird to be in a place where there is nowhere to hide or run to. We’re exposed. Exposed with nothing left to do but give up on God and ourselves or commit to His purpose for us, No matter what that looks like. Commitment, Obedience and Responsibility have been bad words to Sean and to me. Words that instilled shuddering and recoiling and extreme wringing of hands, the stomping of feet and a resolute commitment to, “No!” Sean and I will commit to ‘No.’

It’s time to face the words, those mature and grown up words, by doing them; afraid.